I had listened to the Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast on IUDs more than once (I think twice, but possibly a third time). I discussed it with my best friend who had gotten one a few months before. I read information posted by doctors to prepare myself for the visit. I was warned. I was warned of the pain that I would experience, but I was not ready. Though, had I read the very accurate descriptions on Cosmo, I probably would have been more nervous and made it worse. Anywho...
Wow, so the nurse called in a pill called Arthrotec to take the night before. The pill is designed to soften the cervix, as well as provide some pain relief. My appointment wasn't until 11, and the internet advised me to take it 3-4 hours before the appointment. I took it at 5. I felt like 5 was a good time, as it was not quite a full nights sleep before 11, but longer than the 3-4 hours the internet told me to do, a nice compromise...I thought. Most blogs as well as the podcast suggested taking an over the counter pain medication before the visit, so in addition to the Athrotec, I took a decently dosed Lortab before my appointment--half on the way to the office and the other half as soon as I walked in the room. Having taken both the Athrotec and the Lortab before my appointment, I felt pretty prepared.
I go back to the room and they hand me the paper sheet. I get completely undressed before I remember that this isn't a full exam so I can keep my shirt on, yay. I also take this time to examine the room around me....eahhhh don't look at the tools. I'm taking a seat about the time as the nurse and the doctor walk in, still feeling pretty confident as I lay back (sadly, as much effort as I put in to scooting down far enough, she still had to tell me to scoot down more--one day I will get it right the first time!)
Alas, the process begins. She first opens my vaginal canal with the speculum (if you don't know what that is, click the link). That's not bad, pretty routine, though my nonexistent sex life caused it to be a little more uncomfortable than usual, but definitely not painful. Next she uses these giant iodine* soaked q-tips to sterilize my cervix, weird feeling, but whatever. Then comes the giant, long, metal tenaculum (click the link) she uses to stabilize my cervix. This feels somewhat like a pinch, and because so many women described it as a pinch, I thought the worst was past me. The worst was not past. At this point she attempts to measure the depth of my cervix with a tool called a sound. That was much more of an intense pinch + menstrual (or bowel if you're a fella reading this) cramp + the sensation of someone jabbing a dull pencil in your abdomen. Not cool, but if the IUD feels like that, I think I can handle another few seconds of it. Well. My cervix is not having it, so at this point she has to get another tool, I believe it was a type of forcep because it was definitely something new. This is where it got pretty unbearable. I definitely cried out when this happened and when she inserted the IUD, but it happened and it was over...NOT. The damned thing came out as soon as she got it in (due to my tight cervix and probably my flailing around).
At some point this whole process upsets my bowels. I don't know what is bowel cramp and what is cervical cramp. Now I have the new pain to deal with, as well as the worry of shitting myself during the process. It's great.
I am 100% over it. I am whimpering to the doctor and nurse that I don't want to do it, I can't do it. She tells me that she's going to let me rest for a few minutes then decide, since she's already loosened my cervix enough for insertion, it would be easier to get it over with today, than go through the whole process again another day. In my mind I am thinking, "oh hell no, I am done with this shit, I'll keep taking the pill until the conservatives take it away." The nurse offers to get my mom, and I'm like "yes please *whimpering noises*." A few seconds later my mom comes back and starts fanning me, which is pretty nice since I was pouring sweat. I actually took my shirt off because I was so hot, and had to take my glasses off because my glasses were fogging up. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I lay there for about five minutes and the doctor comes back with an ultrasound tech so she can watch whats happening with her miniature ultra sound machine (which was quite cute by the way, it helped distract me for a moment). I decide I'm ready to give it one more go.
I make my mom hold my hand. Then stop fanning me so she can hold both my hands. Yeah, I was being a wiener, but everyone was nice about it. She cranks me open again, inserts one of the cervix stabilizing tools (I cry out at this point, followed by a whimper). Next she inserts the insertion tube (another cry out followed by whimpering), and inserts the IUD with the tech's verification that it is in place.
This is when I start throwing up. Only 1% of patients throw up during or after the procedure, go me, finally a part of the one percent.... And I throw up a lot, it goes on for a few minutes. Thankfully the nurse was nice enough to get me a soda, and the doctor wet a napkin, which my mom used to wipe my face for about five minutes. The nurse and the doctor congratulated me on powering through, and left me to lay there as long as I needed to...which was approximately ten minutes.
One could say the worst was over once it was in, but there is definitely some intense cramping afterwards. A lot of people liken it to period cramps, so if you cramp badly, you're in for a treat.
From this point forward my descriptions are a pretty accurate representation of what I go through during a normal period, so if you don't have bad ones, this may not apply to you.
I laid curled up in the passengers seat for the infinitely lasting ride home (approximately 40 minutes) and upon arrival I stumbled in to my room to die. My amazing mother soon brought me an electric heating pad and a rice sock she had warmed in the microwave. The sock went on my abdomen and the heating pad when on my back. She had also given my three ibuprofen on the way home. At this point you would think I would be doped up enough to not feel any pain. Wrong again.
The Lizzard and I took a two hour nap before we were (I was) motivated by hunger to make my way to the living room. I was still cramping pretty bad at this point and brought my heating pads with me to the couch (the house of pain couch for my snapchat friends). I ate some spicy soup, drank like two ounces of chamomile tea before Chole the pup drank some, and continued to pout as I watched Space Brothers with Spencer. Around two hours after I got up I took some Naproxen Sodium and about an hour later my cramping subsided (that shit is magic, truly). Around 8 I felt well enough to move around and ride with my brother to Jack's (still not comfortable enough to drive though).
Now here I am, chilling out writing this blog post on my experience. Was it terrible? Yes. Will I do it again in 5 years? Hell yes. Not long after the cramping started to subside, I saw some posts by my friends with children, and I unconsciously started to rub my abdomen over the IUD in gratitude.
So, even though my experience was crazy painful, you shouldn't let it scare you into not doing it. Yes, it may be terrible while it's happening, but its going to last you five years. If you have terrible periods just think to your self that, yes, it is pretty bad, but no worse than your worst period, and it will save you from many periods to come.
The End.
Or Rather,
To Be Continued.
*may not have been iodine, but that is my best guess.
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